This blog entry is going to act as a journal entry as well. Some of the best times to write are when you are most vulnerable, exposed…. raw. Tonight I am all of those things.
For some reason I feel led to write this tonight even though it will be very personal and typically something I don’t share. I feel that someone else will be able to relate to this and that it will provide comfort in knowing that we aren’t alone on this journey.
Today has just been one of those days. It’s one of those days where (only some of this is true but it gives you a mental picture of the day) you are late for work because you spilled your coffee (which was cold) on your shirt about 5 mins before you were leaving. As you were backing out (10 mins late already) you realize you forgot your bag so you have to stop the car, walk back in, set the alarm off, wake your dogs up, and then realize it’s in the trunk the whole time. You get back in your car, already starting to feel the anxiety rolling in, and now you can’t find your keys. You think “O GREAT, I left them in the house”. This cycle spins until finally you are driving to work (keep in mind…. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN MADE IT TO WORK YET). You get to work when you realize that the day is going to be quite “bigger” than you expected. Your drive for perfection sets in and you stress yourself out. Nothing is clean enough and nothing is quite like you want it. Fear creeps it’s ugly head in and you start telling yourself stories about how poorly you are going to perform. Of course nothing turns out quite like you thought (for the better). You make it through the day with all your arms and legs and you are still breathing (#blessed). The gym is actually a highlight as you get through your workout with no injury. Now, you are almost home and you realize there is no food to cook. Excellent. The store is busy and traffic is wrapped around the block because of the construction thats been going on for days. You sit in it so much that you notice every bit of progress because you’ve counted all the new pavement lines. Finally you make it home to a dog thats either broken her leg (true story) or dislodged her knee (true story). From a dog that has barely ever in her life whimpered comes a soft yelping that won’t quit. Your vet is closed and the local vet is unable to help you out. Your puppy can’t be seen and so you give her the pain meds you had for your other pup from awhile back. She gets settled and you look up and it’s 10pm. Your night is gone and you are just plain OVERWHELMED!
(Sidenote, emergency vet’s were packed and it would be near morning before she could be seen. She is comfortable now and will be seen first thing tomorrow… for those might have wondered)
Does that long winded story give you an idea of the overwhelmed moment that I’m having currently? So some of that story is true but for the most part it’s just to portray a feeling. I think it gets the message across.
Life right now is pretty challenging. From challenges in my very personal life to finding/providing grace and love for myself. Everything seems like its taking 15 steps in addition to the 10 I already know how to take to find a safe spot. Everything is challenging. Everything is overwhelming. While I know that a lot of my problems are nothing in compared to others real problems (starvation, death, homelessness), they are still very relevant to me and I must validate and honor that they exist in my body.
I do a really good job of distracting myself. I’ve posted more than my fair share (for the year) on social media; the house is absolutely spotless; I have even cleaned out the garage. I’m an expert at distracting myself from leaning in to the feelings and acknowledging that they are present. It reminds me of the Bible (I believe it was Paul) which says in Romans 7:5, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” I mean if that isn’t spot on I don’t know what would be better.
How many can relate to this??? Does anyone else ever have moments like this on your journey?
I’m going to leave you with some loving words and encouragement because I think it’s important that we love ourselves regardless of what we call flaws or weaknesses (or hurts, fears, depressions). We are all so quick to write the stories around what we don’t like about who we are or who we hide away. We need to embrace that our feelings (fear, anxiety, depression, oppression, hate, sadness) don’t define us. In fact, they aren’t even part of our true being. We are a divine spirit (if you don’t believe that then please define it as pure energy). We are the witness to these feelings and we interpret based on our past experiences. We need to lean in when we are feeling these things and take a curious interest and see where they are coming from. Stop and ask yourself, “where am I feeling this at in my body?”; “What does it look like?”; “What color would it be?”. Realize that it is a passing moment. Don’t lock it away or discredit the fact that you are feeling it because regardless of our thoughts about it, it still exists. We need to remind ourselves that we are deserving of love and grace and compassion. If we are going to live that out then we have to start with ourselves. Practice LOVING YOURSELF by giving yourself the space to LEAN IN.
I don’t want to end this without telling you that prayer is a perfect healer. I am a Christian and my faith is of utmost importance to me so I know I have a place to rest. I encourage you to seek out the Christ, higher power, higher energy, master spirit and have faith in your restoration. You are LOVED, created to LOVE, and ask to share strong powerful grace-filled energy with the world. For all you 80’s kiddos think about the CareBears. Remember the “Carebear stare”? (If not google it). CareBear stare at others and light up this world!
Long blog, very stream of consciousness. I hope this touches your heart and gives you hope in knowing that you matter in this world. YOU MATTER!
(Thank you to my counselor, Lynn Flowers, for all the wisdom and great advice that she’s shared with me over my time with her. A lot of this comes from her great teaching.)